When we first moved to Brisbane, I was into yoga in a big way and going to yoga classes a couple of times a week at least... and we had this fabulous Ashtanga master teacher visit us from the US. He gave us the kick ass class of all times and we were all in some other realm by the end of his tutelage. He ended the class with instructions for us all to drink a LOT of water, and a quote - which was something along the lines of:
When you judge others, it's not them you define, but yourself.
I loved it!
My friend and I dutifully went to Coles after the class to get kick ass sized bottles of water to replace the sweat we'd dripped out and promptly forgot his quote, only remembering how much we loved whatever it was that this guru teacher had told us! (In truth we'd have loved anything that came out of his mouth, so magnificent was he!!) Neither of us were able to recall anything apart from it being about judging! It was torment trying to guess what it was that he'd left us with and we were playing around with all sorts of possibilities while going through the checkout, when who should we see.......
Our guru in all his glory was lining up at the checkout a couple down from us... buying water of course :) My friend and i exchanged glances and without a word we left our position in the queue and bolted over to him like excited school girls seeing their favourite movie star!
Breathlessly we excused ourselves and asked what his departing words had been and he gave it to us again... and the bold text above is the closest i came to remembering it word for word!
So in the years gone by, it's been something that has really guided me when i'm tempted to judge another for their beliefs, actions, thoughts, whatever.
However, in all the years it's been in my mind, i've been thinking of it with a limited approach.
I've viewed it as meaning that when I judge someone, I am defining myself as being judgmental, and nothing more.
Last night in the midst of a blissful meditative state i got something else out of it.
The quote popped into my mind for some reason, and i suddenly had a new view of the meaning of the quote.
Instead of it being about me being judgmental, i got that it meant that when i judge someone as being for example, angry, what i'm really doing is finding my own internal anger mirrored in them. So I'm defining myself in terms of what i notice in them. I am noticing some part of me that is also in them. Therein lies an opportunity for peace through further self awareness.
This notion of an opportunity for self awareness through noticing my projections onto others isn't something that's new to me, but it was a revelation in terms of finding it within the quote that that sexy yoga master gave us all those years back. :)
Showing posts with label consciousness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label consciousness. Show all posts
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
A sense of something missing
On Sunday night I went to bed feeling very unsettled.
Jase and I had had an argument earlier that day and I was feeling hurt and couldn't find sleep.
I had spent the earlier part of the evening at the HMA variety night with the kids and we'd had a really lovely time.
I had asked Jase to come with us earlier on in the week and he'd been keen, but had changed his mind. That was fine by me, as I would rather go with the kids on my own and have a good time than go with him to have him wanting to leave shortly after arriving.
So Sunday night at HMA was lovely.
I spent some time talking to Bruce Teakle, who is a wonderful gentle man. He has been heavily involved with the Maternity Coalition since its inception and his passion for reform within Australia's maternity services is inspiring. It's always refreshing finding men who are as passionate about change as the women giving birth are, and I felt wonderful after talking to him.
We were tired when we got home from HMA, and went to bed earlyish, but after not being able to sleep a couple of hours later, I got back up and got online and watched some Deva Premal mantras on Youtube. Nothing like mantras to prepare for a restful sleep.. or so i thought.
I watched a beautiful interview with Miten and Deva Premal where Miten is singing to Deva and she joins in.
I saw what a beautifully gentle man he is and my heart panged for that same gentleness in my own relationship with Jase.
i hung my hat on a wishing tree
i asked for one wish
i could´ve had three
but i only asked for what i needed
i could´ve asked for money, riches and health
but all i really wanted was to find myself
unaccustomed as i was to seeking
and my heart whispered inside
and the moon rose and the angels sighed ( and said)
here comes your second chance
you´d better believe it
open up and receive it
here comes your second chance
take a deep breath
this is your second chance
make peace with your mother
and father, too
make peace with the stranger inside of you
and forgive yourself for the things you tried and failed to do
embrace your anger, your lust and your greed
that´s how we drop the things that we don´t need
pick up a musical instrument
or plant a seed
that was my heart whispering inside
"welcome" it said, "you´re home and dry"
( Chorus)
It hit me so damn hard, seeing the emotion this man was showing, and I burst into tears.
Out of three births, Jase has never really shown emotion or shed a tear, and I realised just how much i am craving emotion in my husband... how much i want him to express and bare his vulnerabilities to me.
Then I remembered something a friend who is a sex therapist had been talking about on Saturday.
Basically he said that men are taught to not show or have emotions from a very early age, and this leads onto a range of behaviours that are symptomatic of an emotionally unexpressed person. This summed up my husband.
So last night we talked a bit about this expressing emotions stuff, and he agreed he doesn't have the means to express them.
Things are a lot clearer to me now and I'm understanding why he is the way he is and I'm finding compassion for that child in him who was never allowed to express his feelings.
Our next task is to find a way for him to develop the means to acknowledge and express his emotions in a way that is healthy, and thereby providing a better model to our son in particular.
Jase and I had had an argument earlier that day and I was feeling hurt and couldn't find sleep.
I had spent the earlier part of the evening at the HMA variety night with the kids and we'd had a really lovely time.
I had asked Jase to come with us earlier on in the week and he'd been keen, but had changed his mind. That was fine by me, as I would rather go with the kids on my own and have a good time than go with him to have him wanting to leave shortly after arriving.
So Sunday night at HMA was lovely.
I spent some time talking to Bruce Teakle, who is a wonderful gentle man. He has been heavily involved with the Maternity Coalition since its inception and his passion for reform within Australia's maternity services is inspiring. It's always refreshing finding men who are as passionate about change as the women giving birth are, and I felt wonderful after talking to him.
We were tired when we got home from HMA, and went to bed earlyish, but after not being able to sleep a couple of hours later, I got back up and got online and watched some Deva Premal mantras on Youtube. Nothing like mantras to prepare for a restful sleep.. or so i thought.
I watched a beautiful interview with Miten and Deva Premal where Miten is singing to Deva and she joins in.
I saw what a beautifully gentle man he is and my heart panged for that same gentleness in my own relationship with Jase.
i hung my hat on a wishing tree
i asked for one wish
i could´ve had three
but i only asked for what i needed
i could´ve asked for money, riches and health
but all i really wanted was to find myself
unaccustomed as i was to seeking
and my heart whispered inside
and the moon rose and the angels sighed ( and said)
here comes your second chance
you´d better believe it
open up and receive it
here comes your second chance
take a deep breath
this is your second chance
make peace with your mother
and father, too
make peace with the stranger inside of you
and forgive yourself for the things you tried and failed to do
embrace your anger, your lust and your greed
that´s how we drop the things that we don´t need
pick up a musical instrument
or plant a seed
that was my heart whispering inside
"welcome" it said, "you´re home and dry"
( Chorus)
Still not feeling ready for sleep, I starting watching homebirth videos on Youtube. The first one i watched was a lovely straightforward homebirth and I was swept along in the emotion of it right until the end when the baby is birthed and the father who is squatting behind the birthing mother supporting her bursts into tears.
It hit me so damn hard, seeing the emotion this man was showing, and I burst into tears.
Out of three births, Jase has never really shown emotion or shed a tear, and I realised just how much i am craving emotion in my husband... how much i want him to express and bare his vulnerabilities to me.
Then I remembered something a friend who is a sex therapist had been talking about on Saturday.
Basically he said that men are taught to not show or have emotions from a very early age, and this leads onto a range of behaviours that are symptomatic of an emotionally unexpressed person. This summed up my husband.
So last night we talked a bit about this expressing emotions stuff, and he agreed he doesn't have the means to express them.
Things are a lot clearer to me now and I'm understanding why he is the way he is and I'm finding compassion for that child in him who was never allowed to express his feelings.
Our next task is to find a way for him to develop the means to acknowledge and express his emotions in a way that is healthy, and thereby providing a better model to our son in particular.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Breastfeeding bliss
As I relax into my seat and let out a gentle breath, my babe slows her sucking and I look down to see her eyes are fixed on mine. She studies me, learning and relearning my features and expressions. She pauses mid-suck to smile and make one of those lovely contented gurgle sounds.
My heart rushes and in that instant, I know.
I know She knows...
She knows that I am hers,
and that She is mine...
I feel so blessed to have this little soul with me on this journey. I am so grateful she chose me to be her mother.
My heart rushes and in that instant, I know.
I know She knows...
She knows that I am hers,
and that She is mine...
I feel so blessed to have this little soul with me on this journey. I am so grateful she chose me to be her mother.
Friday, March 14, 2008
the tree
"When too impulsive feeling, which expresses itself in an exaggerated extraversion, is given up, the freed libido returns to the soul from which it sprang, revives the symbols, which are the source of thought and of feeling, and brings the masculine principle to constellation, which is the principle of knowledge and of self-assertion.
When too intensive thinking, which expresses itself in a too intellectual attitude to life, is given up, and the freed libido returns to the soul from whence it sprang, it revives symbols, which are the source of feeling and of thought, and brings the feminine principle, the principle of love and of mediation (or of religion) to constellation.
The consciousness of the masculine principle leads to the tree of knowledge, - the consciousness of the feminine principle to the tree of life, - feeling as well as thinking have been again united with their origin or with their roots."
When too intensive thinking, which expresses itself in a too intellectual attitude to life, is given up, and the freed libido returns to the soul from whence it sprang, it revives symbols, which are the source of feeling and of thought, and brings the feminine principle, the principle of love and of mediation (or of religion) to constellation.
The consciousness of the masculine principle leads to the tree of knowledge, - the consciousness of the feminine principle to the tree of life, - feeling as well as thinking have been again united with their origin or with their roots."
Cult Fictions: C.G. Jung and the Founding of Analytical Psychology - Sonu Shamdasani.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Namaste
Yesterday I went along to my first Home Midwifery Association (HMA) meeting. There were, I'd guess around 40 women sitting in a large circle facing one another. Some were in full bloom with pregnant bellies, some were midwives, some were yet to be mothers, some were mothers nursing new babies and others were keeping an eye on their older children who were playing and wandering around the hall.
HMA meets fortnightly, and after yesterday's experience, I intend to make it a regular thing.
Since leaving the gathering, I've been thinking a lot about my experience there and about how i felt a profound connectedness with all the women present.
Several faces were familiar to me because of past experiences with Friends of the Birth Centre and Maternity Coalition... and other friends from on line forums were there for me to meet in real life for the first time, so i was amongst friends... but apart from the people I knew before walking in the door, there was a strange sense of recognition that i felt for people that I felt i knew and recognised but didn't actually know. The feeling made me think of the word Namaste -
It made me think about my shield and how i hide my spiritual side to a lot of people unless I know them well enough to know they're a receptive audience.
Overall, the gathering left me feeling very blessed, which is always a nice feeling, and one I like to reflect on. Times like today leave me feeling refreshed, joyous and excited for the future births I will someday have.
HMA meets fortnightly, and after yesterday's experience, I intend to make it a regular thing.
Since leaving the gathering, I've been thinking a lot about my experience there and about how i felt a profound connectedness with all the women present.
Several faces were familiar to me because of past experiences with Friends of the Birth Centre and Maternity Coalition... and other friends from on line forums were there for me to meet in real life for the first time, so i was amongst friends... but apart from the people I knew before walking in the door, there was a strange sense of recognition that i felt for people that I felt i knew and recognised but didn't actually know. The feeling made me think of the word Namaste -
The Spirit in me meets the same Spirit in you
Perhaps this is the best way to describe how i felt after leaving the gathering. That i was amongst people of the same spirit and our lives had led us all to this point... to meet, to gather, commune and share and hold space for one another.
I shared my birth story with the women, and in hindsight my only disappointment of the day is that I left out describing how spiritual M's birth had been for me, and for some unknown reason I focussed on a clinical type explanation! Unusual for me, particularly amongst this circle of women, as I could have completely let go and noone would have raised an eyebrow I don't think... but I skimmed over it.It made me think about my shield and how i hide my spiritual side to a lot of people unless I know them well enough to know they're a receptive audience.
Overall, the gathering left me feeling very blessed, which is always a nice feeling, and one I like to reflect on. Times like today leave me feeling refreshed, joyous and excited for the future births I will someday have.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Conscious eating
I have had some really bad eating patterns lately, and it’s been on my list of things to tackle on a self awareness level for a while now.
The time has arrived!
I’ve been trying to get a breakthrough in this area to put an end to what is largely habitual behaviour, so I have been doing my self-awareness thing of observing my patterns, and I have been asking myself for help with this. What has come to me is simple and to the point. Before ordering something, making something, grabbing something from the kitchen cupboard, I am contemplating “Does this serve me?”
In the first couple of days, more often than not the answer was NO… and I was noticing how often I drifted into the kitchen looking for ‘naughty’ food.
It’s been 4 days since I’ve bought any chocolate and even when one sneaky little block found its way into my trolley on Thursday night, I found it EASY to put it back on the shelf after hearing my question.
It comes back to responsibility for self I believe. We are born with a guidance system built in, but we are taught not to trust it. Society, media and advertising bombard us with and tempt us with millions of different products that rely on us being needy and unconscious in our consumption.
If we stop to think before consuming, whether it is eating food off a plate or buying items off a shelf, we can alter our pattern of being unconscious consumers.
So hopefully in getting over my chocolate addiction, it’s also a step towards me being a more conscious consumer.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Responsibility for Self
As a parent, responsibilty for self takes on a whole new level of importance because not only do you have to figure it out for yourself, learning to implicitly trust your inner guide, you also need to be teaching your children how to be live with their natural instincts as their guide.
Babies are born with this built in system and sadly, before they have even left toddlerhood , the majority have been trained not to trust in it. They are trained to seek approval, to perform and to be acquiescent to authority, all the while surrendering their birthright to be embraced as a unique individial.
Then, if they're lucky, they survive the onslaught of society; the media, schools and the 'modern' family to begin a journey to "find themselves" when they realise just how insitutionalised their lives have been.
I cannot continue this post while my computer is running 40 words behind what i've typed. It is so slow and keeps losing what i'm typing which is driving me nuts, so.. later.....
Babies are born with this built in system and sadly, before they have even left toddlerhood , the majority have been trained not to trust in it. They are trained to seek approval, to perform and to be acquiescent to authority, all the while surrendering their birthright to be embraced as a unique individial.
Then, if they're lucky, they survive the onslaught of society; the media, schools and the 'modern' family to begin a journey to "find themselves" when they realise just how insitutionalised their lives have been.
I cannot continue this post while my computer is running 40 words behind what i've typed. It is so slow and keeps losing what i'm typing which is driving me nuts, so.. later.....
Sunday, February 3, 2008
This year
I know this post was going to be about my circle of women... BUT they sorta tie in with this anyway.
This post is about what I want out of this year and what I'm going to do with it.
In 2008, I am going to:
support my friend at the homebirth of her 4th baby
be back in shape fast. That means 10kg more need to melt off me!
do a doula course
spend regular weekends at the beach with the kids
write a few books
pray daily
have regular dinners and catch ups with Amy and her kids
teach the kids how to swim
share my homebirth experience with people to encourage awareness
get a big injection of cash from an unknown source
get some rollerskates on and get started with Roller Derby! Yay!
write some music and push my boundaries to share it with people
dedicate real time to developing the relationships I share with amazing women in my life
be organised and make dinner before dinnertime whenever possible!
Following on from last year, I am going to continue to trust what comes to me and act upon it. There has only been one occasion I can remember that I haven't followed intuition in the past year and it burnt me so I learnt my lesson!
This post is about what I want out of this year and what I'm going to do with it.
In 2008, I am going to:
support my friend at the homebirth of her 4th baby
be back in shape fast. That means 10kg more need to melt off me!
do a doula course
spend regular weekends at the beach with the kids
write a few books
pray daily
have regular dinners and catch ups with Amy and her kids
teach the kids how to swim
share my homebirth experience with people to encourage awareness
get a big injection of cash from an unknown source
get some rollerskates on and get started with Roller Derby! Yay!
write some music and push my boundaries to share it with people
dedicate real time to developing the relationships I share with amazing women in my life
be organised and make dinner before dinnertime whenever possible!
Following on from last year, I am going to continue to trust what comes to me and act upon it. There has only been one occasion I can remember that I haven't followed intuition in the past year and it burnt me so I learnt my lesson!
from The Path of the Priestess
I'm reading a fabulous book at the moment. The Path of the Priestess by Sharron Rose.
Have a read of this and share what do you think...
"Looking across the landscape of today's culture, one can easily see that the definition of what is feminine is mired in deep confusion. Hollywood and the media provide us with stereotypical seductresses and vixens; gun-toting, muscle-bound women who turn to violent answers; anorexic models who teach us that self-starvation is eminently attractive; hard-edged businesswomen married to their corporations; and women and girls portrayed as victims, prostitutes, and sociopaths. Then, of course, there is always the example of the woman who has totally subordinated herself to her husband, the image that so many of us rebelled against in the 1960's and 1970's. But is commanding military troops or leaving one's children to spend sixty hours a week fulfilling corporate expectations really what women were fighting for all those years?"
Have a read of this and share what do you think...
"Looking across the landscape of today's culture, one can easily see that the definition of what is feminine is mired in deep confusion. Hollywood and the media provide us with stereotypical seductresses and vixens; gun-toting, muscle-bound women who turn to violent answers; anorexic models who teach us that self-starvation is eminently attractive; hard-edged businesswomen married to their corporations; and women and girls portrayed as victims, prostitutes, and sociopaths. Then, of course, there is always the example of the woman who has totally subordinated herself to her husband, the image that so many of us rebelled against in the 1960's and 1970's. But is commanding military troops or leaving one's children to spend sixty hours a week fulfilling corporate expectations really what women were fighting for all those years?"
Monday, December 17, 2007
an ending and a beginning
msn conversation with Amy:
Gabrielle says:
i have to do something to say goodbye to this pregnancy. i know it's what's holding me back from going into labour cos i am teary even thinking of it ending.
i feel so beautiful this pregnant, so full and in blossom and i don't wanna be tired, fatigued and flabby with a newborn yet!
amy says:
r u sad because u think its the last?
Gabrielle says:
maybe. i think a bit of me feels it is
Gabrielle says:
and u know how much i love this stuff, it's hard to let go of
Gabrielle says:
i was devastated when jase and i separated last time cos i mourned the babes i wouldn't have and then when this one came along it was so so much of a beautiful gift
i'm bawling my eyes out right now
Gabrielle says:
not terribly sad but just know this is it
Gabrielle says:
i'll miss the beauty and strength of feeling completely in an act of creation
Gabrielle says:
i should blog about it i think.. a commemorative and cathartic thing
amy says:
it must be ..i truly feel an emptiness just watching you so beautiful and blossumed..and that wanting to be full..its love from the inside...and radiates from you..that baby is hanging to get so you can be her/his mummy..cos you are the bestest
amy says:
i wish i could hug you right now
amy says:
thats a good idea
Gabrielle says:
thank u
amy says:
blog away
Gabrielle says:
i never felt so womanly and glowing in my femininity with the other two.. it has been THIS pregnancy that has brought it out in me and i know there will be other ways i'll express that part of me in life but pregnancy and birth is HUGE to that essential life giving essence of a woman
Gabrielle says:
i should just blog this convo
Gabrielle says:
it's what makes women clucky hey
amy says:
so well said
Gabrielle says:
seeing the beauty in other pregnant women and recogising how DIVINE it is
amy says:
you have been blessed to know that you can take this new essence of woman with you..into motherhood and into yourself
amy says:
so tru
Gabrielle says:
yes ur right
Gabrielle says:
i just have to let go of this being about me
Gabrielle says:
it's the first time i've truly felt my power; creatively, nurturing-wise and lovingly in a sense of how expansive it can be
amy says:
no way u just have to share it with all of us a bit more than u r used to..your power is beautiful feminine energy that so many of us will learn from and love
Gabrielle says:
oh thank u babe
Gabrielle says:
ok snot fest going on here now
amy says:
lol
Gabrielle says:
rofl
Gabrielle says:
i have to do something to say goodbye to this pregnancy. i know it's what's holding me back from going into labour cos i am teary even thinking of it ending.
i feel so beautiful this pregnant, so full and in blossom and i don't wanna be tired, fatigued and flabby with a newborn yet!
amy says:
r u sad because u think its the last?
Gabrielle says:
maybe. i think a bit of me feels it is
Gabrielle says:
and u know how much i love this stuff, it's hard to let go of
Gabrielle says:
i was devastated when jase and i separated last time cos i mourned the babes i wouldn't have and then when this one came along it was so so much of a beautiful gift
i'm bawling my eyes out right now
Gabrielle says:
not terribly sad but just know this is it
Gabrielle says:
i'll miss the beauty and strength of feeling completely in an act of creation
Gabrielle says:
i should blog about it i think.. a commemorative and cathartic thing
amy says:
it must be ..i truly feel an emptiness just watching you so beautiful and blossumed..and that wanting to be full..its love from the inside...and radiates from you..that baby is hanging to get so you can be her/his mummy..cos you are the bestest
amy says:
i wish i could hug you right now
amy says:
thats a good idea
Gabrielle says:
thank u
amy says:
blog away
Gabrielle says:
i never felt so womanly and glowing in my femininity with the other two.. it has been THIS pregnancy that has brought it out in me and i know there will be other ways i'll express that part of me in life but pregnancy and birth is HUGE to that essential life giving essence of a woman
Gabrielle says:
i should just blog this convo
Gabrielle says:
it's what makes women clucky hey
amy says:
so well said
Gabrielle says:
seeing the beauty in other pregnant women and recogising how DIVINE it is
amy says:
you have been blessed to know that you can take this new essence of woman with you..into motherhood and into yourself
amy says:
so tru
Gabrielle says:
yes ur right
Gabrielle says:
i just have to let go of this being about me
Gabrielle says:
it's the first time i've truly felt my power; creatively, nurturing-wise and lovingly in a sense of how expansive it can be
amy says:
no way u just have to share it with all of us a bit more than u r used to..your power is beautiful feminine energy that so many of us will learn from and love
Gabrielle says:
oh thank u babe
Gabrielle says:
ok snot fest going on here now
amy says:
lol
Gabrielle says:
rofl
Friday, December 14, 2007
Blessed
ok I've had the henna done so now i can pop :D
and some pregnancy shots... from what ended up being a second blessingway when i had my belly cast and an impromptu homegrown photo shoot with friends!
and some pregnancy shots... from what ended up being a second blessingway when i had my belly cast and an impromptu homegrown photo shoot with friends!
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i had to climb that mountain
there was no way around it
and we all come and go like waves in the sea
each with our own responsibility
to leave this world more beautiful than
we found it
that´s your heart whispering inside
and you know your heart, it never lied
(chorus)
fly high
let the earth touch the sky...