Surrender

I'm soaring on the golden wings of a breakthrough... one I'm not going to articulate completely here, but I need to mark this occasion in some way as it has altered my Being.

Breakthroughs always require giving something up - some pattern of behaviour, some long held onto belief... and the willingness to surrender that way of being through Trust in the unknown... Trust in what may lie just beyond the closed door of habit.

The transition can be painful and feel nearly impossible while the mind is consumed with staying in control and holding onto the perceived safety of past patterns and beliefs, but once that control is surrendered, and trust is placed the unknown, it is then that you are open to experience a breakthrough that will leave you irrevocably changed. You then recognise how you were only existing prior to your breakthrough.

You feel expansive and invincible, golden...

Newborn and ancient...

I have taken my place.

Keeping it coming

I've been in a blissful state for some time now, but I know it's also through some degree of maintenance on my part that I'm enjoying the space I'm currently at.

"It" has all been coming very easily to me, with fluidity and joy, and i continuously pause to marvel at the way life fits together piece by piece.

I picture my life to be like a magnificent and intricately designed quilt, with many uniquely shaped pieces and fragments of colour that are brought together through creative energy to form a piece of art.

I know I'm enjoying the 'view' right now largely due to the time I have had spare to spend focussing on maintaining my flow. I know through reflecting on where I can tweak and finetune things, I can go on to achieve even higher levels of bliss.

What I'm trying to get my head around is how it will look when when this new little baby arrives, because I know how limited time for ME is going to be, having the memory of the early days with my last two babies, and to be honest it's a little daunting because I don't want to be taking steps backwards...

I know it's about finding a balance, but life changes impact on how balance works... and life is so different from one day to the next with kids. After talking with Amy about this whole subject of maintenance, I've realised i need to make it one of my self projects NOW to put foundations in place in order to maintain the flow when I have my little one in my arms. I'm just not completely sure what that involves as yet.

Stillness amongst the Drama!

A while back now, I did a 3 day course that really made me aware of just how much we create our own meanings for things that happen to us over our lifetime.

For example, someone will say or do something which is not meant to be hurtful to you, but for whatever reason, based on our past experiences and expectations, you feel hurt by it.

This course was about recognising that at that point, you're making choices about how you feel about something based on your filters. Therefore, you have a choice available to you. You can either feel hurt by making it mean something or you don't feel hurt by recognising it is just your meaning, so you don't take it onboard.

Recognising that whatever was happening to me in my life was being seen through my own filters formed from years of conditioning and self-meaning making, I was able to distance myself from the drama... and I'd had a long history of lots of it going on with my relationship with my parents, so it was a turning point for me and my relationship with them.

So while the drama for them goes on, and always will until they recognise that their freedom is available to them simply through their choosing it to be, I am able to sit, listen and find an energising stillness in choosing not to participate in their drama or conversations about drama. This is absolutely maddening to them, I'm sure they think I'm a nutter, but it's oddly humorous to me! There was a time when i would have felt i absolutely HAD to get my view across to them, and would have wanted to 'show them the light' to get them out of their drama cycle, but the thing is, it's all about timing, and they're simply not ready to give up what they get out of their drama, which is wallowing in the drama of drama! LOL!

So when drama arises with my parents, as it does every few weeks or so, I hear them getting into a frenzy and I am sitting calmly on the other end of the phone, detached from the drama but listening and marvelling at what a fantastic concoction of stress they've made for themselves, and i can't help but smile to myself at how crazy it is that they keep doing it over and over! There is humour in strange places in this universe :D

Clearing space and opening up

My house is a mess... particularly the computer room... not a good indication of my headspace but i actually do feel ok with the mess cos the alternative is to absolutely sweat it out in this messy hot room trying to find places to put things that we just don't have storage room for. Sure, that should mean a cull is in order... but I just did one a fortnight ago! A big one, for the council curbside clean up!

The whole cleared and cleaned out space thing is something that's in the forefront of my mind at the moment. Not so much in terms of clearing space in a house energy wise, but more about what a cleared space in a relationship allows to open up!

It's been 3 and a bit weeks since I've spoken to my sister, when we had a disagreement and she hung up on me, refusing to talk it out...

I have smsd her a couple of times since, telling her I really wanted to talk it through when she was ready, and that I'd be leaving it to her to contact me when she is ready to communicate about what we were in disagreement about.

So far I've heard nothing. We would usually speak to each other every day and catch up a few times a week at least.

At first I was so angry with good ol self righteousness and annoyance that she couldn't be bothered to have a real and open discussion with me about topics that were challenging to her.

Then after the anger dissipated, from out of the blue came all this cool and exciting energy and clarity, a sense of something new in the works, and of having more time than I usual felt i had...

From the space of letting go of the anger and accepting that my sister and I were just on different journeys and it just wasn't 'happening' for us right now, something amazing happened.

Doors have been opening EVERYWHERE... and I'm not even doing the knocking, it's all just falling into place in a beautifully intricate and magnificent way!

I'm renewing and embracing old friendships, and finding room in my life for new relationships, and instead of feeling stretched, I am feeling I have more and more to give to every individual in my life.

At the moment, I'm attributing this space for relationships as being mostly due to the cleared space left after deciding to have my sister play a far lesser role in my life, and I could never have imagined this would be the case... so it's a huge surprise for me, but a very welcome and exciting one!

In the past weeks, months, years, I had been avoiding new people entering my life to some degree, and also limiting what time I had available for people in my life... all except for my sister. She was the big exception to this previously unacknowledged rule, and I really had unlimited time and energy I was willing to invest in my relationship with her.

For years, Jase has been saying "you need to get yourself some good girlfriends, girls you can hang out with, who have your back and you have theirs and who'll give you support when you need it and vice versa"... I have always responded with the same answer "Why would i spend time and energy building relationships with other women when i get everything i need from my sister?"

Well, the reality was, my sister simply wasn't filling the shoes of a good friend. She hasn't been supportive of me, and she's largely uninterested in playing a role in my life unless I am single and childfree.

She wants nothing to do with me in my role as a mother or a wife, but the reality is, both of those things are at the core of my daily existence, as I have a husband, and i have children, so it is central to who I am. I have been in such a lot of conflict and out of alignment in my relationship with her for such a long time now. The good periods are great, but they always involve me demanding time out from Jase and the kids to have the time to spend with my sister. There have been times where I have desperately needed her support and she simply was not there.

I had closed myself off to friends and potential friends while putting all my energy and hopes into what our relationship could be... and put all my eggs in one basket it would seem.

I'm not angry with my sister for being the person she is. I'm not holding grudges and there's no bitterness. I've simply accepted that it just is the way it is. It's her journey to be doing her thing, and this is mine, and for the moment, we're miles and miles apart. So, I have found peace with having a hiatus in my relationship with her for the time being. I'm not closing any doors, but I'm not going knocking for a while... and I am embracing all the secret trapdoors and doors concealed behind overgrown and untended gardens that are suddenly becoming apparent to me through this new level of vision I am now experiencing... Loving those clarity-goggles!

Buoyed

I'm finding myself in an elevated state of bliss at the moment...


I am REALLY enjoying the last trimester of this pregnancy, and almost feel a little saddened as each day passes and I know it's drawing to an end. Even though I still have a while to go, it does just go too fast.

It's such a beautiful gift to be able to grow and birth a baby - and I know with my last two babies I was never in the headspace to really enjoy the third trimester. I was too busy working and pushing myself to the limit doing everything that absolutely 'needed' to be done in a day... but this time, I'm really stopping to smell the flowers along the way, particularly now as I'm so obviously pregnant... because when I go somewhere and people stare (or occasionally gawk) at my waddle and belly, it reminds me to think of my current state and it always brings a smile to my face. It's so easy to grow complacent with the miracle going on within when it's such a gradual process of growth that it becomes your 'norm' and it just becomes who you are.

I'm becoming very protective of my state of bliss, and dedicated to maintaining its course... to the point where I am really getting serious about consciously deflecting negativity when it arises, and also deflecting people who aren't on the same track as me. This gets really tough when it is sometimes close family members who are the bubble bursters, as I am going to always have them in my life in some capacity, but I'm learning to create such a strong force of light around me that it's an unpoppable bubble :D Pretty fun imagery picturing people around me poking at me with barbs and needles and me in the middle of a big fat bubble smiling away like i'm in a marshmallow man suit. LOL!

So I'm focussing on and loving the bliss in being Buoyed, and having people and experiences in my life that buoy me above my normal level of happiness. It's not a case of my needing to have the buoyancy, but it is certainly a pleasant way to be, not only adding to my experience of life, but also adding to the quality of what I can contribute to others' lives while I have such a surplus of happy vibes.

Inspired

I'm thinking I'll do a new theme each day for a while to use as a focus point for my day. Today's theme is INSPIRED!

So many people inspire me on a daily basis, and I'm taking stock at the moment and want to stop and appreciate the influence of a few special people in my life right now.

My soul sister Amy.
I love you babe. Words aren't enough to express how grateful i am for having found you this lifetime and at this point in my life.
I know we fill in the gaps for each other in so many ways, but we can do in many more ways if we can both get over our struggle with calling on each other for help! :D
I'm inspired by your generosity and willingness to give of yourself to everyone around you, sometimes to your own detriment.
My heart aches for you when you're sad or hurting, and all I want for you is a perpetual state of joy and the happiness you deserve. You're such a beautiful, gifted soul and I want you to get that tattooed on you somewhere! LOL!
I don't know exactly how we'll get there but want you to know my intention is there to make sure you get there with me, and I know you have the same plans for me, so thank you for being that person for me too.
Thank you for filling the gap in my life with your light and wisdom, and for always being willing to go out of your way for me. I'm so lucky to have you as my sister! Thank you for finding me!

Jojo from VB...
A lapse in contact over the last four years melted away to nothing last Saturday night. I am so thrilled to see what wonderful things you're attracting into your life and feel honoured to be a part of your journey through your sharing it with me. Along the ups and downs, it's a true goddess that comes out finding the positive, and you're absolutely glowing in goddess-ness my friend... The way things are unfolding in your life right now are testimony to that!
The dolphins are going to love you and I can't wait to see you go from strength to strength with all the new elements you're adding to your life. You're having a wonderful time cooking up a storm in the kitchen of life and it's a joy to be a part of it!

Carmen...
Although we don't catch up in real life enough, you're very special to me. I love our late night chats and love that I don't think there is a thing in the world i could say to you that you couldn't outshock me with LOL! You inspire me with your energy for living how you want to with your kids, as a single mama... that takes energy and commitment and I admire that in you. I am also inspired by your positivity time and time again at whatever life throws at you. You're one special mama and you have one special job here this lifetime!

Fay from across the way...
BIRTH GODDESS... is all i can say! You fell short of your plan to stay pregnant for 365 days but hey, I'm not going to put you down for the effort you took to make it as close to that as possible! Your little man is divine, can't wait to hear more.
I love the bond we share despite living so far away and despite the fact we've never even met in real life. You're a very precious friend to me. Didn't we start chatting online over a mutual fascination with schoolboy humour? hehe! Now that I've said all this nice stuff about you, will you come to my blessingway? hehe!!

chocolate cake with "pwinkles"

We made a chocolate cake with "Pwinkles" today. Had to improvise a little cos there wasn't any icing sugar left and chocolate cake NEEDS chocolate icing right! So we used caster sugar which i tried to melt with boiling water first with mixed results, but overall icing is icing!


Julian had an executive role in the icing and "Pwinkling" of the cake.




Nothing left in their plates at the end... or mine :D

The Empress

My card for yesterday... (taken from facebook)

The Empress
She embodies all that is nurturing, clean and wholesome. Her powers resonate from her drive to create and care for life on a grand scale. She is in tune with Nature’s rhythm and realizes that life’s most pleasurable moments often stem from the simplest things. She is not afraid to enjoy herself and let loose, even to the point of being lavish. Abundance and luxury are important to her. The Empress is completely comfortable with her femininity and her sexuality. She is sensual, earthy, generous and likes the good life. Still, her driving force is a need to create and nurture, and fulfilling this need overrides everything else.



This is spot on for me and the day i had yesterday!

I splashed out and had a pregnancy massage from a complete earth angel... and an unexpected one at that!

A couple of weeks ago, I was referred to go to a 'pregnancy massage guru' and got a spot with him for yesterday. That in itself was lucky as from what I understand, he mainly teaches massage and doesn't do all that many himself.

I arrived at 1:30pm for a 1-1.5hr massage. We got talking about EVERYTHING and i ended up leaving just before 4:30pm! Wow is all i can say... not just about the massage though! I'm thrilled to have this man come into my life, and don't know how meeting him will impact on my journey but know there's something hatching.. and get this... He's a massage therapist of 10yrs who teaches all walks of massage, he's a counsellor, a qualified beauty therapist, a brazillian waxing instructor and most amazing to me... drumroll... he is a DOULA! WOW! We were on the same page completely with regard to women/pregnancy/birth/spirituality and it was such a JOY being around his energy and chatting with him about all we were both passionate about. Was one of those conversations that whenever it ended it was going to be too soon.

The massage was completely sublime too! lol! At the end of the massage, he placed one hand on my heart and the other on my belly. I felt a pulling sensation from my heart and he said "Your heart chakra is buzzing so beautifully". I queried what he was doing to make my heart have that pulling sensation and he said he was connecting my heart chakra energy to my baby. Bub responded with a couple of kicks... just beautiful stuff.

I left there feeling so Feminine, Powerful and Honoured and really aware of how much I need to stay present to and enjoy each moment of this pregnancy... rather than letting it go on auto pilot like i do at times. Each moment of creation is a blessing and i have a renewed sense of gratitude for the role I am playing as a nurturer in my baby's life.

So my focus today is Honouring and being appreciative of this power. I am grateful for the way so many things going on in my life right now are related to birth and women and creation... and the people in my life are all connected to this part of my 'being'. Thank you angels!

I'm going to have a Blessingway

Buzzing about the idea... now hatching what it will encompass! Joy! Bliss! Celebrations! Rituals! Connections! Spirituality! Sharing!