As a parent, responsibilty for self takes on a whole new level of importance because not only do you have to figure it out for yourself, learning to implicitly trust your inner guide, you also need to be teaching your children how to be live with their natural instincts as their guide.
Babies are born with this built in system and sadly, before they have even left toddlerhood , the majority have been trained not to trust in it. They are trained to seek approval, to perform and to be acquiescent to authority, all the while surrendering their birthright to be embraced as a unique individial.
Then, if they're lucky, they survive the onslaught of society; the media, schools and the 'modern' family to begin a journey to "find themselves" when they realise just how insitutionalised their lives have been.
I cannot continue this post while my computer is running 40 words behind what i've typed. It is so slow and keeps losing what i'm typing which is driving me nuts, so.. later.....
Friday, February 29, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
Om Hraum Mitraya
So often i am limited in describing what i have experienced by not being able to find words to adequately paint a picture.
I went to see Deva Premal and Miten tonight with some very special and inspiring women - Amy, Sheryn, Joanne and of course my little woman M in her sling.
I hope I can do justice for what I experienced tonight surrounded by this circle of women, and what we felt and shared at the performance.
Let me go back a bit and paint the undercoat :D
These three women supported me wholeheartedly with my pregnancy and journey towards M's birth and we formed a bond through sharing in the journey.
During labour, there was a beautiful moment when I communciated with M asking her to "please come down" without verbalising it. I was connected to my baby and was 'checking in' so to speak... something i did a few times during labour as there were no heartrate checks or examinations to tell where things were at and I was working with and trusting my intuition to guide me. I was really getting into my birth zone and turned off to the happenings in the room as i tuned into my body and the waves of energy passing through me. One of the most distinct moments to me at this point was hearing a mantra called Om Hraum Mitraya begin. It was an intense, raw and incredibly blissful point in labour... and that song completely melted into me... ringing through every cell in my body. Ahhh the beauty of birth...
Anyway, this mantra Om Hraum Mitraya is what I consider to be the soundtrack to M's birth, and last night we went to see Deva Premal and Miten perform.
By about the second line of the first song, I knew i was going to be regretting not having tissues cos i was blubbering at how stirring and haunting Deva's voice was live. Wowsers.
When Deva and Miten perform, they don't have a set group of songs to perform to a passive audience - instead it's a collaborative effort, and the audience is not only encouraged and taught the words to sing along, they are also asked to request what songs they want to hear.
I went HOPING hoping hoping they would sing my birthsong... but know they have about 20 cds and the chances of that one song getting included was pretty slim. Still, i had been picturing how it would feel at that moment with my circle of women around me, my baby in my arms and revisiting my birthspace through hearing Om Hraum Mitraya sung live.
During the intermission Joanne and I were outside and we spoke to a guy selling the cds and told him how M was born to Deva's music, and that the women involved in the birth were all here tonight and how I wanted to request Om Hraum Mitraya but wasn't confident i could pronounce it to call out my request! He said Deva and Miten would love the story of M being born to it, and that he'd ask Deva to sing it. We didn't hold our breath cos we knew how many requests they had!
It got later and later and at the beginning of each new song i tried not to feel disappointed it wasn't 'my' song...
There was a big loud singalong song that had the whole place going with swirling lights flashing all around the walls and ceiling of the hall, and after it finished, the room dimmed... and after the room fell to a hush, Deva said quietly "This next song is for a little 7wk old baby who is here with us tonight and who was born to this song" and we all just about howled!! Sheryn was holding M and as Deva spoke, she lifted M into the air and everyone behind us went Awww... It was overwhelming and the energy between us was unbelievable. We were transported back to a moment 7 wks earlier, and we were going to hear our song live and we couldn't believe how blessed we were! Deva began to sing and we all grabbed at each other, shaking and with tears streaming down our faces, trying to contain ourselves so as to not disturb the atmosphere for everyone else around us. It was a beautiful, bawling, connecting, sobbing, snotty experience that I will never ever forget. We stayed connected, holding hands, baby, shoulders, whatever we could reach, for the duration of the song... just beautiful... I felt so grateful that not only were were hearing this song, but that i was sharing it again with these women who meant so much to me.
At the end of the song, Deva farewelled us all with a Namaste and the whole place was buzzing and awestruck.
People started coming up to us after the lights came on to say that just being behind us and seeing our reaction to the song being announced and seeing us holding each other during that song with such emotion pouring through us had them bawling cos they could feel our energy rippling back to them.
We revisited the sacred space of birth during that song... transported by a mantra being sung by an earth angel.
Words couldn't do it justice. There wasn't a lot any of us could say, and that's saying a lot cos we're all bigtime gasbaggers.
Before leaving we went to meet and thank Deva and Miten, and discovered that in 16yrs of touring, she hasn't sung that live before, and when she began the song, Miten didn't even know what she was about to sing! That gave it an even bigger wow factor!
What a beautiful night and experience to be at one with every other person in the audience and the performers themselves... singing together and celebrating the connection and flow of energy.
And all on a full moon and Spring Equinox.
For anyone wondering what Om Hraum Mitraya translates to, it's Sanskrit for:
"May the light of friendship shine through me, drawing noble companionship."
I went to see Deva Premal and Miten tonight with some very special and inspiring women - Amy, Sheryn, Joanne and of course my little woman M in her sling.
I hope I can do justice for what I experienced tonight surrounded by this circle of women, and what we felt and shared at the performance.
Let me go back a bit and paint the undercoat :D
These three women supported me wholeheartedly with my pregnancy and journey towards M's birth and we formed a bond through sharing in the journey.
During labour, there was a beautiful moment when I communciated with M asking her to "please come down" without verbalising it. I was connected to my baby and was 'checking in' so to speak... something i did a few times during labour as there were no heartrate checks or examinations to tell where things were at and I was working with and trusting my intuition to guide me. I was really getting into my birth zone and turned off to the happenings in the room as i tuned into my body and the waves of energy passing through me. One of the most distinct moments to me at this point was hearing a mantra called Om Hraum Mitraya begin. It was an intense, raw and incredibly blissful point in labour... and that song completely melted into me... ringing through every cell in my body. Ahhh the beauty of birth...
Anyway, this mantra Om Hraum Mitraya is what I consider to be the soundtrack to M's birth, and last night we went to see Deva Premal and Miten perform.
By about the second line of the first song, I knew i was going to be regretting not having tissues cos i was blubbering at how stirring and haunting Deva's voice was live. Wowsers.
When Deva and Miten perform, they don't have a set group of songs to perform to a passive audience - instead it's a collaborative effort, and the audience is not only encouraged and taught the words to sing along, they are also asked to request what songs they want to hear.
I went HOPING hoping hoping they would sing my birthsong... but know they have about 20 cds and the chances of that one song getting included was pretty slim. Still, i had been picturing how it would feel at that moment with my circle of women around me, my baby in my arms and revisiting my birthspace through hearing Om Hraum Mitraya sung live.
During the intermission Joanne and I were outside and we spoke to a guy selling the cds and told him how M was born to Deva's music, and that the women involved in the birth were all here tonight and how I wanted to request Om Hraum Mitraya but wasn't confident i could pronounce it to call out my request! He said Deva and Miten would love the story of M being born to it, and that he'd ask Deva to sing it. We didn't hold our breath cos we knew how many requests they had!
It got later and later and at the beginning of each new song i tried not to feel disappointed it wasn't 'my' song...
There was a big loud singalong song that had the whole place going with swirling lights flashing all around the walls and ceiling of the hall, and after it finished, the room dimmed... and after the room fell to a hush, Deva said quietly "This next song is for a little 7wk old baby who is here with us tonight and who was born to this song" and we all just about howled!! Sheryn was holding M and as Deva spoke, she lifted M into the air and everyone behind us went Awww... It was overwhelming and the energy between us was unbelievable. We were transported back to a moment 7 wks earlier, and we were going to hear our song live and we couldn't believe how blessed we were! Deva began to sing and we all grabbed at each other, shaking and with tears streaming down our faces, trying to contain ourselves so as to not disturb the atmosphere for everyone else around us. It was a beautiful, bawling, connecting, sobbing, snotty experience that I will never ever forget. We stayed connected, holding hands, baby, shoulders, whatever we could reach, for the duration of the song... just beautiful... I felt so grateful that not only were were hearing this song, but that i was sharing it again with these women who meant so much to me.
At the end of the song, Deva farewelled us all with a Namaste and the whole place was buzzing and awestruck.
People started coming up to us after the lights came on to say that just being behind us and seeing our reaction to the song being announced and seeing us holding each other during that song with such emotion pouring through us had them bawling cos they could feel our energy rippling back to them.
We revisited the sacred space of birth during that song... transported by a mantra being sung by an earth angel.
Words couldn't do it justice. There wasn't a lot any of us could say, and that's saying a lot cos we're all bigtime gasbaggers.
Before leaving we went to meet and thank Deva and Miten, and discovered that in 16yrs of touring, she hasn't sung that live before, and when she began the song, Miten didn't even know what she was about to sing! That gave it an even bigger wow factor!
What a beautiful night and experience to be at one with every other person in the audience and the performers themselves... singing together and celebrating the connection and flow of energy.
And all on a full moon and Spring Equinox.
For anyone wondering what Om Hraum Mitraya translates to, it's Sanskrit for:
"May the light of friendship shine through me, drawing noble companionship."
Monday, February 18, 2008
A lunch that the kids even enjoyed
Well, my kids ate something LOADED with vegies and even had seconds, so I have to record this recipe!
Ingredients:
2 carrots
2 zucchini
1 large onion
400gm tin of roma tomatoes
1 red capsicum
(all chopped finely)
1 tbsp olive oil
2 tbsp Pataks medium curry paste
1 cup of washed and uncooked red lentils
3.5 cups of vegetable and garlic stock
What to do:
Finely chop all vegies.
Heat oil in casserole sized saucepan and add onion and capsicum. Saute for about 10mins.
Make a well in the middle and add curry paste and cook for a few minutes till the texture of the paste changes and darkens.
Mix the curry paste through the onion and capsicum.
Add other vegies and the tin of tomatoes.
In another saucepan, bring 3.5 cups of stock to the boil.
Add the lentils and bring to the boil, then reduce heat to simmer and cover the saucepan.
Cook lentils for 20 or so minutes.
After lentils are cooked most of the stock will have been absorbed.
Tip the lentils straight into the big saucepan, stir through the vegie mix and serve!
Ingredients:
2 carrots
2 zucchini
1 large onion
400gm tin of roma tomatoes
1 red capsicum
(all chopped finely)
1 tbsp olive oil
2 tbsp Pataks medium curry paste
1 cup of washed and uncooked red lentils
3.5 cups of vegetable and garlic stock
What to do:
Finely chop all vegies.
Heat oil in casserole sized saucepan and add onion and capsicum. Saute for about 10mins.
Make a well in the middle and add curry paste and cook for a few minutes till the texture of the paste changes and darkens.
Mix the curry paste through the onion and capsicum.
Add other vegies and the tin of tomatoes.
In another saucepan, bring 3.5 cups of stock to the boil.
Add the lentils and bring to the boil, then reduce heat to simmer and cover the saucepan.
Cook lentils for 20 or so minutes.
After lentils are cooked most of the stock will have been absorbed.
Tip the lentils straight into the big saucepan, stir through the vegie mix and serve!
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Sorry
I am proud to be an Australian today.
Our government has finally stood up, owned responsibility and apologised for a very dark time in Australia's history.
The Stolen Generation - the children, the parents, the families - have finally been given official recognition for the wrongs done to them by the policies of our past governments.
Through our government officially accepting responsibility and owning what occurred, we as a nation can embark on a new journey.
The air has been cleared so to speak and we now share a space for beginning a journey of healing together.
Our government has finally stood up, owned responsibility and apologised for a very dark time in Australia's history.
The Stolen Generation - the children, the parents, the families - have finally been given official recognition for the wrongs done to them by the policies of our past governments.
Through our government officially accepting responsibility and owning what occurred, we as a nation can embark on a new journey.
The air has been cleared so to speak and we now share a space for beginning a journey of healing together.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Some pregnancy photos
One day when i was overdue and was sure i was going to be pregnant and prelabouring forever, Sheryn rang and said "What are you doing today? I'm about to go buy plaster to do a belly cast for you! Get everyone together!"
It was so exciting because I had wanted to do a cast but kept feeling we were running out of time, so got a couple of people together and got cracking and this is what the day looked like:
Our first cast attempt was a bit thick and it just about fell off me with the weight so we had another go!
A pic of the finished cast from above:
The girls went and got some flowers from outside and Sheryn had brought fabrics to lay around the place to make nice photo backdrops and this was the result:
And a shot in the pool... it was so nice and cool to jump in after all the plaster was off - it gets really hot sitting under layers of plaster!
It was so exciting because I had wanted to do a cast but kept feeling we were running out of time, so got a couple of people together and got cracking and this is what the day looked like:
Our first cast attempt was a bit thick and it just about fell off me with the weight so we had another go!
A pic of the finished cast from above:
The girls went and got some flowers from outside and Sheryn had brought fabrics to lay around the place to make nice photo backdrops and this was the result:
And a shot in the pool... it was so nice and cool to jump in after all the plaster was off - it gets really hot sitting under layers of plaster!
Monday, February 4, 2008
wow - a yoni couch!
Don't know what a yoni is? You'll be in for a surprise!
Check this yoni couch out
What a creative designer!
Check this yoni couch out
What a creative designer!
India....
is calling me.
It's been at the top of my list for so long...
I am watching bits of Bend it like Beckham and absorbing the colour and music and am feeling India calling me again...
I love the kaleidoscope of colour
I love the way music and dance is a part of every day life
I LOVE Bollywood... i mean REALLY love Bollywood!
I love the Hindu Goddesses
I love Indian weddings
I love the rituals
I love how Indians love children
I love the music
I love the spirituality of the people
I love the HEART in everything Indian
and i am thinking of what sort of business i can start where i will have to make trips there somehow! I would be there now if I didn't have my current commitments... i.e. 3 small children and a husband!
I know i'll make it there some day... till then I have to enjoy the anticipation!
It's been at the top of my list for so long...
I am watching bits of Bend it like Beckham and absorbing the colour and music and am feeling India calling me again...
I love the kaleidoscope of colourI love the way music and dance is a part of every day life
I LOVE Bollywood... i mean REALLY love Bollywood!
I love the Hindu Goddesses
I love Indian weddings
I love the rituals
I love how Indians love children
I love the music
I love the spirituality of the people
I love the HEART in everything Indian
and i am thinking of what sort of business i can start where i will have to make trips there somehow! I would be there now if I didn't have my current commitments... i.e. 3 small children and a husband!
I know i'll make it there some day... till then I have to enjoy the anticipation!
Sunday, February 3, 2008
a freebirth in pictures
These pics are from around 5pm on NYE - between contractions I'm being fed and watered by my wonderful support people Jase, Amy and Sheryn, and I'm just relaxing between contractions in the pool... enjoying the weightlessness and warmth of the water.
I love the times between contractions - such anticipation knowing I am going to be giving birth to my baby that day.
During contractions I am completely immersed in the moment... feeling a shift in consciousness as I embrace the power within my body and the life giving force pouring out of me. I'm wearing my beautiful Goddess necklace that Sheryn made for me and gave to me at my Blessingway.
At this point I am having intense contractions and I'm talking to my baby - saying "Down, down, come on Doooowwwwwwwn baby".
The room is hushed and candlelit and Om Hraum Mitraya is playing on my ipod... I am completely in my 'zone'. I am working at breathing through the contractions now and even though I haven't had an examination to determine if I am dilated, I instinctively know the end of labour is very, very close.
I never got an urge to push (same as with the other two kids), but I had felt the baby descending so tried pushing to see what would happen and in the one contraction I had pushed our baby's head out... and then after making sure Sheryn was ready to catch I pushed the rest of her body out using that same contraction. I really don't like to muck about in second stage of labour!! The rush of catching the baby meant that photos weren't possible for the actual birth (but we did get it on video!) but this next pic is the first photo of our new little baby who i haven't actually discovered is a girl yet. Our little bub was born at 755pm. She breathed and was a beautiful healthy pink straight away... and she cried as this photo was taken at the fright the flash gave her!
And here's our first eye contact and breastfeed... Her eyes were so fixed on us both... such timelessness in those moments and such exhiliration that she was born so blissfully at home.
Here I am completely elated....... THIS is what birth is about, and what mainstream medicalised births so frequently rob women of experiencing... Such a wonderful and empowering feeling - soaring on the oxytocin high of natural birth in a supportive environment!
The umbilical cord is still intact as we're waiting for the placenta to come out. We had a lotus birth so there is no cutting of the cord.
Here I am waiting to birth the placenta.. which took around 40mins and was the worst bit of it cos I just wanted to lay down with my baby and relax but didn't feel comfortable birthing the placenta while laying down as it was attached to baby still... so i leant over a chair to get gravity to help it out.
Placenta birthed, here is our first proper breastfeed while I'm laying back on the bed and feeling rush after rush of blissful heavenly hormones... that cocktail of love hormones that are so important for establishing bonding with a mother and her new baby. And I'm already wanting to do it all again... and again and again!
I love the times between contractions - such anticipation knowing I am going to be giving birth to my baby that day.
During contractions I am completely immersed in the moment... feeling a shift in consciousness as I embrace the power within my body and the life giving force pouring out of me. I'm wearing my beautiful Goddess necklace that Sheryn made for me and gave to me at my Blessingway.
At this point I am having intense contractions and I'm talking to my baby - saying "Down, down, come on Doooowwwwwwwn baby".The room is hushed and candlelit and Om Hraum Mitraya is playing on my ipod... I am completely in my 'zone'. I am working at breathing through the contractions now and even though I haven't had an examination to determine if I am dilated, I instinctively know the end of labour is very, very close.
I never got an urge to push (same as with the other two kids), but I had felt the baby descending so tried pushing to see what would happen and in the one contraction I had pushed our baby's head out... and then after making sure Sheryn was ready to catch I pushed the rest of her body out using that same contraction. I really don't like to muck about in second stage of labour!! The rush of catching the baby meant that photos weren't possible for the actual birth (but we did get it on video!) but this next pic is the first photo of our new little baby who i haven't actually discovered is a girl yet. Our little bub was born at 755pm. She breathed and was a beautiful healthy pink straight away... and she cried as this photo was taken at the fright the flash gave her!
And here's our first eye contact and breastfeed... Her eyes were so fixed on us both... such timelessness in those moments and such exhiliration that she was born so blissfully at home.
Here I am completely elated....... THIS is what birth is about, and what mainstream medicalised births so frequently rob women of experiencing... Such a wonderful and empowering feeling - soaring on the oxytocin high of natural birth in a supportive environment!
The umbilical cord is still intact as we're waiting for the placenta to come out. We had a lotus birth so there is no cutting of the cord.
Here I am waiting to birth the placenta.. which took around 40mins and was the worst bit of it cos I just wanted to lay down with my baby and relax but didn't feel comfortable birthing the placenta while laying down as it was attached to baby still... so i leant over a chair to get gravity to help it out.
Placenta birthed, here is our first proper breastfeed while I'm laying back on the bed and feeling rush after rush of blissful heavenly hormones... that cocktail of love hormones that are so important for establishing bonding with a mother and her new baby. And I'm already wanting to do it all again... and again and again!
This year
I know this post was going to be about my circle of women... BUT they sorta tie in with this anyway.
This post is about what I want out of this year and what I'm going to do with it.
In 2008, I am going to:
support my friend at the homebirth of her 4th baby
be back in shape fast. That means 10kg more need to melt off me!
do a doula course
spend regular weekends at the beach with the kids
write a few books
pray daily
have regular dinners and catch ups with Amy and her kids
teach the kids how to swim
share my homebirth experience with people to encourage awareness
get a big injection of cash from an unknown source
get some rollerskates on and get started with Roller Derby! Yay!
write some music and push my boundaries to share it with people
dedicate real time to developing the relationships I share with amazing women in my life
be organised and make dinner before dinnertime whenever possible!
Following on from last year, I am going to continue to trust what comes to me and act upon it. There has only been one occasion I can remember that I haven't followed intuition in the past year and it burnt me so I learnt my lesson!
This post is about what I want out of this year and what I'm going to do with it.
In 2008, I am going to:
support my friend at the homebirth of her 4th baby
be back in shape fast. That means 10kg more need to melt off me!
do a doula course
spend regular weekends at the beach with the kids
write a few books
pray daily
have regular dinners and catch ups with Amy and her kids
teach the kids how to swim
share my homebirth experience with people to encourage awareness
get a big injection of cash from an unknown source
get some rollerskates on and get started with Roller Derby! Yay!
write some music and push my boundaries to share it with people
dedicate real time to developing the relationships I share with amazing women in my life
be organised and make dinner before dinnertime whenever possible!
Following on from last year, I am going to continue to trust what comes to me and act upon it. There has only been one occasion I can remember that I haven't followed intuition in the past year and it burnt me so I learnt my lesson!
from The Path of the Priestess
I'm reading a fabulous book at the moment. The Path of the Priestess by Sharron Rose.
Have a read of this and share what do you think...
"Looking across the landscape of today's culture, one can easily see that the definition of what is feminine is mired in deep confusion. Hollywood and the media provide us with stereotypical seductresses and vixens; gun-toting, muscle-bound women who turn to violent answers; anorexic models who teach us that self-starvation is eminently attractive; hard-edged businesswomen married to their corporations; and women and girls portrayed as victims, prostitutes, and sociopaths. Then, of course, there is always the example of the woman who has totally subordinated herself to her husband, the image that so many of us rebelled against in the 1960's and 1970's. But is commanding military troops or leaving one's children to spend sixty hours a week fulfilling corporate expectations really what women were fighting for all those years?"
Have a read of this and share what do you think...
"Looking across the landscape of today's culture, one can easily see that the definition of what is feminine is mired in deep confusion. Hollywood and the media provide us with stereotypical seductresses and vixens; gun-toting, muscle-bound women who turn to violent answers; anorexic models who teach us that self-starvation is eminently attractive; hard-edged businesswomen married to their corporations; and women and girls portrayed as victims, prostitutes, and sociopaths. Then, of course, there is always the example of the woman who has totally subordinated herself to her husband, the image that so many of us rebelled against in the 1960's and 1970's. But is commanding military troops or leaving one's children to spend sixty hours a week fulfilling corporate expectations really what women were fighting for all those years?"
Saturday, February 2, 2008
NYE went off with a bang - or a pop
So it's already a month since NYE and even longer since i've posted, but i guess i have just been too busy enjoying our babymoon!
A new little baby girl for our family was born at home on NYE 2007 surrounded by wonderful loving people.
The experience is something I don't know that I will ever be able to adequately describe with words. The appreciation i feel for those who were there with me and supporting me is also something I'm struggling to articulate. Perhaps if i just complete the birth story itself that'd be a good start!
There is something so sacred about being a part of giving life to a new soul and connecting to the creative power in that that words don't do the experience I shared with those present that day justice.
The birth was amazing, empowering and blissful for the women present, but for my husband, he was left feeling traumatised by the fact we didn't have medical support for the 'just in case' scenario.
This has raised some pretty massive issues for us. He is hurting, and probably will be for quite a while longer, and while I am honouring that in him... for me it was the most unbelievably wonderful day of my life and a turning point.
A lot of this I believe comes down to trust. I trust my body. I trust birth. I trust my intuition. I trusted the people supporting me.
Never for a moment was I worried or thinking "i can't do this here". It just flowed so beautifully, easily and naturally as birth just should! I really just did what women are made to do... surrounded by women who believed that.
I felt so connected and energised throughout the labour. Divine light was pouring out of me into the birthspace while I paced, rocked and lay in the birth pool. I savoured my contractions and labour with the knowledge I was completely in my feminine, and completely tapped into divinity while bringing forth new life.
The women supporting me 'got' this. They trusted my trust in myself.. and they knew I wouldn't for a moment be going ahead with birthing at home if I picked up on there being something amiss.
So strong is my faith in my intuition that it has caused some big problems for my husband and I since Merata's birth. To put it plainly, he doesn't trust my level of faith in myself. He thinks I'm a nutter with my talk of intuition and spiritual awareness, and although he knows i am able to give birth, he'd prefer it if it occurred in a controlled medical environment.
I am becoming more and more aware of how he doesn't hold women with the esteem he should. I can't blame him for it, as he is only a product of the patriarchal society he's been raised in, but it saddens me that he doesn't appreciate or honour the parts of me that are my most feminine qualities.
I've realised he doesn't really 'get' me on most levels, and he particularly doesn't understand the degree to which i am tuned into my body and the baby...
Instead of him feeling awestruck at the birth experience, like the rest of us who were there, he couldn't get past the feelings of how hard it had been for him - wanting to protect and look after me but feeling like it all rested on his shoulders. So instead of experiencing the feelings of exhiliration and bliss, he just got angry and distant pretty shortly afterwards. It really made the first few days of the babymoon really horrible.
I was literally basking and glowing in light and I could feel a buzz on a cellular level for the first few weeks. My arms tingled and I felt my energetic vibration was sky high. It was beautiful! Thank goodness it was or I wouldn't have coped with the dark energy emanating from my husband while he blamed me for his hurt.
While I understand his position and that he'd been traumatised through feeling like it was touch and go, and I have been really gentle with him about it.. SOMETHING has changed.
I recognised that he isn't recognising something in me. Something that is so integral to who I AM as a woman.
I wanted him to be proud of who I am and what I did and what I believe. Instead, he is 'over it'.
He's over my unconventional ways of thinking and living and wants no part of the parts of me that are what I consider to be my feminine strengths. The fuel that burns my fire is ridiculous to him. He thinks I'm not clear headed and that I'm living in a fantasy world, but I clearer than I have ever been and I am just feeling lighter and lighter with each new level of awareness I reach.
I can't remember the last time I felt heard in a conversation with him. He's completely uninterested and to be honest I'm completely supportive of him leaving our relationship if he's not happy. He deserves to be happy and I do too! I do want our family to work, but think it's going to be a while before he believes that and wants it himself... so i am ready for him to go when he's ready.
Gosh this is a potentially massive post. I'm really only at the tip of the iceberg Lol! I think I'll save some more for later hehe!
To end, I am in love again with my new little girl... I am feeling love and support from wonderful women in my life and I am riding such a wonderful wave of growth and learning at the moment.
My days are filled with smiles and calm calm calm... I feel unwavering and constant. I am filling my life with light and sharing it with those around me.
That will be the topic for my next post i think!
A new little baby girl for our family was born at home on NYE 2007 surrounded by wonderful loving people.
The experience is something I don't know that I will ever be able to adequately describe with words. The appreciation i feel for those who were there with me and supporting me is also something I'm struggling to articulate. Perhaps if i just complete the birth story itself that'd be a good start!
There is something so sacred about being a part of giving life to a new soul and connecting to the creative power in that that words don't do the experience I shared with those present that day justice.
The birth was amazing, empowering and blissful for the women present, but for my husband, he was left feeling traumatised by the fact we didn't have medical support for the 'just in case' scenario.
This has raised some pretty massive issues for us. He is hurting, and probably will be for quite a while longer, and while I am honouring that in him... for me it was the most unbelievably wonderful day of my life and a turning point.
A lot of this I believe comes down to trust. I trust my body. I trust birth. I trust my intuition. I trusted the people supporting me.
Never for a moment was I worried or thinking "i can't do this here". It just flowed so beautifully, easily and naturally as birth just should! I really just did what women are made to do... surrounded by women who believed that.
I felt so connected and energised throughout the labour. Divine light was pouring out of me into the birthspace while I paced, rocked and lay in the birth pool. I savoured my contractions and labour with the knowledge I was completely in my feminine, and completely tapped into divinity while bringing forth new life.
The women supporting me 'got' this. They trusted my trust in myself.. and they knew I wouldn't for a moment be going ahead with birthing at home if I picked up on there being something amiss.
So strong is my faith in my intuition that it has caused some big problems for my husband and I since Merata's birth. To put it plainly, he doesn't trust my level of faith in myself. He thinks I'm a nutter with my talk of intuition and spiritual awareness, and although he knows i am able to give birth, he'd prefer it if it occurred in a controlled medical environment.
I am becoming more and more aware of how he doesn't hold women with the esteem he should. I can't blame him for it, as he is only a product of the patriarchal society he's been raised in, but it saddens me that he doesn't appreciate or honour the parts of me that are my most feminine qualities.
I've realised he doesn't really 'get' me on most levels, and he particularly doesn't understand the degree to which i am tuned into my body and the baby...
Instead of him feeling awestruck at the birth experience, like the rest of us who were there, he couldn't get past the feelings of how hard it had been for him - wanting to protect and look after me but feeling like it all rested on his shoulders. So instead of experiencing the feelings of exhiliration and bliss, he just got angry and distant pretty shortly afterwards. It really made the first few days of the babymoon really horrible.
I was literally basking and glowing in light and I could feel a buzz on a cellular level for the first few weeks. My arms tingled and I felt my energetic vibration was sky high. It was beautiful! Thank goodness it was or I wouldn't have coped with the dark energy emanating from my husband while he blamed me for his hurt.
While I understand his position and that he'd been traumatised through feeling like it was touch and go, and I have been really gentle with him about it.. SOMETHING has changed.
I recognised that he isn't recognising something in me. Something that is so integral to who I AM as a woman.
I wanted him to be proud of who I am and what I did and what I believe. Instead, he is 'over it'.
He's over my unconventional ways of thinking and living and wants no part of the parts of me that are what I consider to be my feminine strengths. The fuel that burns my fire is ridiculous to him. He thinks I'm not clear headed and that I'm living in a fantasy world, but I clearer than I have ever been and I am just feeling lighter and lighter with each new level of awareness I reach.
I can't remember the last time I felt heard in a conversation with him. He's completely uninterested and to be honest I'm completely supportive of him leaving our relationship if he's not happy. He deserves to be happy and I do too! I do want our family to work, but think it's going to be a while before he believes that and wants it himself... so i am ready for him to go when he's ready.
Gosh this is a potentially massive post. I'm really only at the tip of the iceberg Lol! I think I'll save some more for later hehe!
To end, I am in love again with my new little girl... I am feeling love and support from wonderful women in my life and I am riding such a wonderful wave of growth and learning at the moment.
My days are filled with smiles and calm calm calm... I feel unwavering and constant. I am filling my life with light and sharing it with those around me.
That will be the topic for my next post i think!
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