NYE went off with a bang - or a pop

So it's already a month since NYE and even longer since i've posted, but i guess i have just been too busy enjoying our babymoon!

A new little baby girl for our family was born at home on NYE 2007 surrounded by wonderful loving people.

The experience is something I don't know that I will ever be able to adequately describe with words. The appreciation i feel for those who were there with me and supporting me is also something I'm struggling to articulate. Perhaps if i just complete the birth story itself that'd be a good start!

There is something so sacred about being a part of giving life to a new soul and connecting to the creative power in that that words don't do the experience I shared with those present that day justice.

The birth was amazing, empowering and blissful for the women present, but for my husband, he was left feeling traumatised by the fact we didn't have medical support for the 'just in case' scenario.

This has raised some pretty massive issues for us. He is hurting, and probably will be for quite a while longer, and while I am honouring that in him... for me it was the most unbelievably wonderful day of my life and a turning point.

A lot of this I believe comes down to trust. I trust my body. I trust birth. I trust my intuition. I trusted the people supporting me.

Never for a moment was I worried or thinking "i can't do this here". It just flowed so beautifully, easily and naturally as birth just should! I really just did what women are made to do... surrounded by women who believed that.

I felt so connected and energised throughout the labour. Divine light was pouring out of me into the birthspace while I paced, rocked and lay in the birth pool. I savoured my contractions and labour with the knowledge I was completely in my feminine, and completely tapped into divinity while bringing forth new life.

The women supporting me 'got' this. They trusted my trust in myself.. and they knew I wouldn't for a moment be going ahead with birthing at home if I picked up on there being something amiss.

So strong is my faith in my intuition that it has caused some big problems for my husband and I since Merata's birth. To put it plainly, he doesn't trust my level of faith in myself. He thinks I'm a nutter with my talk of intuition and spiritual awareness, and although he knows i am able to give birth, he'd prefer it if it occurred in a controlled medical environment.

I am becoming more and more aware of how he doesn't hold women with the esteem he should. I can't blame him for it, as he is only a product of the patriarchal society he's been raised in, but it saddens me that he doesn't appreciate or honour the parts of me that are my most feminine qualities.

I've realised he doesn't really 'get' me on most levels, and he particularly doesn't understand the degree to which i am tuned into my body and the baby...

Instead of him feeling awestruck at the birth experience, like the rest of us who were there, he couldn't get past the feelings of how hard it had been for him - wanting to protect and look after me but feeling like it all rested on his shoulders. So instead of experiencing the feelings of exhiliration and bliss, he just got angry and distant pretty shortly afterwards. It really made the first few days of the babymoon really horrible.

I was literally basking and glowing in light and I could feel a buzz on a cellular level for the first few weeks. My arms tingled and I felt my energetic vibration was sky high. It was beautiful! Thank goodness it was or I wouldn't have coped with the dark energy emanating from my husband while he blamed me for his hurt.

While I understand his position and that he'd been traumatised through feeling like it was touch and go, and I have been really gentle with him about it.. SOMETHING has changed.

I recognised that he isn't recognising something in me. Something that is so integral to who I AM as a woman.

I wanted him to be proud of who I am and what I did and what I believe. Instead, he is 'over it'.

He's over my unconventional ways of thinking and living and wants no part of the parts of me that are what I consider to be my feminine strengths. The fuel that burns my fire is ridiculous to him. He thinks I'm not clear headed and that I'm living in a fantasy world, but I clearer than I have ever been and I am just feeling lighter and lighter with each new level of awareness I reach.

I can't remember the last time I felt heard in a conversation with him. He's completely uninterested and to be honest I'm completely supportive of him leaving our relationship if he's not happy. He deserves to be happy and I do too! I do want our family to work, but think it's going to be a while before he believes that and wants it himself... so i am ready for him to go when he's ready.

Gosh this is a potentially massive post. I'm really only at the tip of the iceberg Lol! I think I'll save some more for later hehe!

To end, I am in love again with my new little girl... I am feeling love and support from wonderful women in my life and I am riding such a wonderful wave of growth and learning at the moment.

My days are filled with smiles and calm calm calm... I feel unwavering and constant. I am filling my life with light and sharing it with those around me.

That will be the topic for my next post i think!