Clearing space and opening up

My house is a mess... particularly the computer room... not a good indication of my headspace but i actually do feel ok with the mess cos the alternative is to absolutely sweat it out in this messy hot room trying to find places to put things that we just don't have storage room for. Sure, that should mean a cull is in order... but I just did one a fortnight ago! A big one, for the council curbside clean up!

The whole cleared and cleaned out space thing is something that's in the forefront of my mind at the moment. Not so much in terms of clearing space in a house energy wise, but more about what a cleared space in a relationship allows to open up!

It's been 3 and a bit weeks since I've spoken to my sister, when we had a disagreement and she hung up on me, refusing to talk it out...

I have smsd her a couple of times since, telling her I really wanted to talk it through when she was ready, and that I'd be leaving it to her to contact me when she is ready to communicate about what we were in disagreement about.

So far I've heard nothing. We would usually speak to each other every day and catch up a few times a week at least.

At first I was so angry with good ol self righteousness and annoyance that she couldn't be bothered to have a real and open discussion with me about topics that were challenging to her.

Then after the anger dissipated, from out of the blue came all this cool and exciting energy and clarity, a sense of something new in the works, and of having more time than I usual felt i had...

From the space of letting go of the anger and accepting that my sister and I were just on different journeys and it just wasn't 'happening' for us right now, something amazing happened.

Doors have been opening EVERYWHERE... and I'm not even doing the knocking, it's all just falling into place in a beautifully intricate and magnificent way!

I'm renewing and embracing old friendships, and finding room in my life for new relationships, and instead of feeling stretched, I am feeling I have more and more to give to every individual in my life.

At the moment, I'm attributing this space for relationships as being mostly due to the cleared space left after deciding to have my sister play a far lesser role in my life, and I could never have imagined this would be the case... so it's a huge surprise for me, but a very welcome and exciting one!

In the past weeks, months, years, I had been avoiding new people entering my life to some degree, and also limiting what time I had available for people in my life... all except for my sister. She was the big exception to this previously unacknowledged rule, and I really had unlimited time and energy I was willing to invest in my relationship with her.

For years, Jase has been saying "you need to get yourself some good girlfriends, girls you can hang out with, who have your back and you have theirs and who'll give you support when you need it and vice versa"... I have always responded with the same answer "Why would i spend time and energy building relationships with other women when i get everything i need from my sister?"

Well, the reality was, my sister simply wasn't filling the shoes of a good friend. She hasn't been supportive of me, and she's largely uninterested in playing a role in my life unless I am single and childfree.

She wants nothing to do with me in my role as a mother or a wife, but the reality is, both of those things are at the core of my daily existence, as I have a husband, and i have children, so it is central to who I am. I have been in such a lot of conflict and out of alignment in my relationship with her for such a long time now. The good periods are great, but they always involve me demanding time out from Jase and the kids to have the time to spend with my sister. There have been times where I have desperately needed her support and she simply was not there.

I had closed myself off to friends and potential friends while putting all my energy and hopes into what our relationship could be... and put all my eggs in one basket it would seem.

I'm not angry with my sister for being the person she is. I'm not holding grudges and there's no bitterness. I've simply accepted that it just is the way it is. It's her journey to be doing her thing, and this is mine, and for the moment, we're miles and miles apart. So, I have found peace with having a hiatus in my relationship with her for the time being. I'm not closing any doors, but I'm not going knocking for a while... and I am embracing all the secret trapdoors and doors concealed behind overgrown and untended gardens that are suddenly becoming apparent to me through this new level of vision I am now experiencing... Loving those clarity-goggles!