Manifestin', Movin' and Shakin'

Although I've craved it all my life, I wasn't born into a village, so I'm building my own!

I've been manifesting away and a few of my goals for the year have begun to fall into place. While walking back from the shops tonight, i was watching my feet peeking out the bottom of my skirt with each step i took, and i was smiling at my feet and feeling so joyful about the path they're on. I'm loving being in my skin and all is well within. I can't ask for more than that! I've been doing lots of smiling at myself on the inside iykwim.

So, what's happened? Lots!

Following talking with Bruce Teakle the other night at the HMA meet, I've agreed to put together the monthly newsletter for the QLD branch of Maternity Coalition.

I've enrolled in my doula course and purchased the first two packages.

I've enrolled in a choir of mums where the kids come along and sing as well - this is held every Wednesday.

I've got a belly dancing class to go to every Friday where the kids are welcome to shake and wobble as well.

and then of course there's the fortnightly HMA meets where I will be a regular for a long time to come.

I feel like life is filling itself up and I'm not holding back at all!

My circle of likeminded women friends is growing and I am feeling richer for the new relationships and sense of community that goes with it. Truly feeling blessed.

The biggest decision I have reached is related to the kids and school.

J is due to start school next year, TA the year after. For some time I have been contemplating what to do with the kids and their education. There's some posts from when i first started my blog where I was at this same point, and recently i have found myself at it again.... wondering what I would do with the kids and school.

Today I made a decision.

I'm not going to be handing my children over to an educational institution for their 'learning' anymore. Instead I am going to learn stuff with them that they enjoy AND learn from in an interest-led, natural way.

I'm embarking on a home educating journey with my children!

This is slightly scary to me, cos i know it's a whole other level of commitment having my kids with me every hour of every day of the week, and having no family support or time out from them means there's days when i HANG for their daycare days to arrive... but i feel like with all the other wonderful things I'll be doing in my week with the kids, it's going to work out perfectly!

I had been thinking that i needed to get more organised to accomplish such a feat, but i am slowly coming around to the fact that unschooling is about not having so much structure and schooly type thinking. Time to shed my schooled brain and create an environment the kids will be comfortable being themselves in.

I've also arranged to go to kura kaupapa for the kids which someone in our whanau is running, so the kids will learn about Maori culture, the language and music etc with some of their cuzzies once a week. I'm stoked at how it's all falling into place!

Exciting times for which i am so grateful!

So our week will now look like this:

Monday - HMA fortnightly
Tuesday - free
Wednesday - Choir with lotsa kewl mamas and their kids
Thursday - free
Friday - bellydancing and Joyous Birth group meetings

I'm smiling all over....

A sense of something missing

On Sunday night I went to bed feeling very unsettled.

Jase and I had had an argument earlier that day and I was feeling hurt and couldn't find sleep.

I had spent the earlier part of the evening at the HMA variety night with the kids and we'd had a really lovely time.

I had asked Jase to come with us earlier on in the week and he'd been keen, but had changed his mind. That was fine by me, as I would rather go with the kids on my own and have a good time than go with him to have him wanting to leave shortly after arriving.

So Sunday night at HMA was lovely.

I spent some time talking to Bruce Teakle, who is a wonderful gentle man. He has been heavily involved with the Maternity Coalition since its inception and his passion for reform within Australia's maternity services is inspiring. It's always refreshing finding men who are as passionate about change as the women giving birth are, and I felt wonderful after talking to him.

We were tired when we got home from HMA, and went to bed earlyish, but after not being able to sleep a couple of hours later, I got back up and got online and watched some Deva Premal mantras on Youtube. Nothing like mantras to prepare for a restful sleep.. or so i thought.

I watched a beautiful interview with Miten and Deva Premal where Miten is singing to Deva and she joins in.

I saw what a beautifully gentle man he is and my heart panged for that same gentleness in my own relationship with Jase.

i hung my hat on a wishing tree
i asked for one wish
i could´ve had three
but i only asked for what i needed
i could´ve asked for money, riches and health
but all i really wanted was to find myself
unaccustomed as i was to seeking
and my heart whispered inside
and the moon rose and the angels sighed ( and said)
here comes your second chance
you´d better believe it
open up and receive it
here comes your second chance
take a deep breath
this is your second chance

make peace with your mother
and father, too
make peace with the stranger inside of you
and forgive yourself for the things you tried and failed to do
embrace your anger, your lust and your greed
that´s how we drop the things that we don´t need
pick up a musical instrument
or plant a seed
that was my heart whispering inside
"welcome" it said, "you´re home and dry"
( Chorus)

well the years went by and my wish came true and i find myself here with you
i had to climb that mountain
there was no way around it
and we all come and go like waves in the sea
each with our own responsibility
to leave this world more beautiful than
we found it
that´s your heart whispering inside
and you know your heart, it never lied
(chorus)
fly high
let the earth touch the sky...

Still not feeling ready for sleep, I starting watching homebirth videos on Youtube. The first one i watched was a lovely straightforward homebirth and I was swept along in the emotion of it right until the end when the baby is birthed and the father who is squatting behind the birthing mother supporting her bursts into tears.

It hit me so damn hard, seeing the emotion this man was showing, and I burst into tears.

Out of three births, Jase has never really shown emotion or shed a tear, and I realised just how much i am craving emotion in my husband... how much i want him to express and bare his vulnerabilities to me.

Then I remembered something a friend who is a sex therapist had been talking about on Saturday.

Basically he said that men are taught to not show or have emotions from a very early age, and this leads onto a range of behaviours that are symptomatic of an emotionally unexpressed person. This summed up my husband.

So last night we talked a bit about this expressing emotions stuff, and he agreed he doesn't have the means to express them.

Things are a lot clearer to me now and I'm understanding why he is the way he is and I'm finding compassion for that child in him who was never allowed to express his feelings.

Our next task is to find a way for him to develop the means to acknowledge and express his emotions in a way that is healthy, and thereby providing a better model to our son in particular.