A sense of something missing

On Sunday night I went to bed feeling very unsettled.

Jase and I had had an argument earlier that day and I was feeling hurt and couldn't find sleep.

I had spent the earlier part of the evening at the HMA variety night with the kids and we'd had a really lovely time.

I had asked Jase to come with us earlier on in the week and he'd been keen, but had changed his mind. That was fine by me, as I would rather go with the kids on my own and have a good time than go with him to have him wanting to leave shortly after arriving.

So Sunday night at HMA was lovely.

I spent some time talking to Bruce Teakle, who is a wonderful gentle man. He has been heavily involved with the Maternity Coalition since its inception and his passion for reform within Australia's maternity services is inspiring. It's always refreshing finding men who are as passionate about change as the women giving birth are, and I felt wonderful after talking to him.

We were tired when we got home from HMA, and went to bed earlyish, but after not being able to sleep a couple of hours later, I got back up and got online and watched some Deva Premal mantras on Youtube. Nothing like mantras to prepare for a restful sleep.. or so i thought.

I watched a beautiful interview with Miten and Deva Premal where Miten is singing to Deva and she joins in.

I saw what a beautifully gentle man he is and my heart panged for that same gentleness in my own relationship with Jase.

i hung my hat on a wishing tree
i asked for one wish
i could´ve had three
but i only asked for what i needed
i could´ve asked for money, riches and health
but all i really wanted was to find myself
unaccustomed as i was to seeking
and my heart whispered inside
and the moon rose and the angels sighed ( and said)
here comes your second chance
you´d better believe it
open up and receive it
here comes your second chance
take a deep breath
this is your second chance

make peace with your mother
and father, too
make peace with the stranger inside of you
and forgive yourself for the things you tried and failed to do
embrace your anger, your lust and your greed
that´s how we drop the things that we don´t need
pick up a musical instrument
or plant a seed
that was my heart whispering inside
"welcome" it said, "you´re home and dry"
( Chorus)

well the years went by and my wish came true and i find myself here with you
i had to climb that mountain
there was no way around it
and we all come and go like waves in the sea
each with our own responsibility
to leave this world more beautiful than
we found it
that´s your heart whispering inside
and you know your heart, it never lied
(chorus)
fly high
let the earth touch the sky...

Still not feeling ready for sleep, I starting watching homebirth videos on Youtube. The first one i watched was a lovely straightforward homebirth and I was swept along in the emotion of it right until the end when the baby is birthed and the father who is squatting behind the birthing mother supporting her bursts into tears.

It hit me so damn hard, seeing the emotion this man was showing, and I burst into tears.

Out of three births, Jase has never really shown emotion or shed a tear, and I realised just how much i am craving emotion in my husband... how much i want him to express and bare his vulnerabilities to me.

Then I remembered something a friend who is a sex therapist had been talking about on Saturday.

Basically he said that men are taught to not show or have emotions from a very early age, and this leads onto a range of behaviours that are symptomatic of an emotionally unexpressed person. This summed up my husband.

So last night we talked a bit about this expressing emotions stuff, and he agreed he doesn't have the means to express them.

Things are a lot clearer to me now and I'm understanding why he is the way he is and I'm finding compassion for that child in him who was never allowed to express his feelings.

Our next task is to find a way for him to develop the means to acknowledge and express his emotions in a way that is healthy, and thereby providing a better model to our son in particular.